Call for Submissions for Monday's Mamas

The ArtsyMama was started as a personal blog for an attached parent returning to work after the birth of her first son.  Shannon the writer of The ArtsyMama had found an online community of natural and attached parents during her time home with her son but had not found one for working parents who practice AP.  She began her blog as a way to discuss her thoughts and feelings, her triumphs, successes and even her pitfalls that came up while she was venturing into this new didactic of AP Mama and Working Mama.

This Moment: Tuesday

Today we shall talk about the best part of my work day.  Picking you up from daycare.  Even though you are only at daycare for two hours and the teachers there are wonderful with you.  I still wish it was not necessary to send you there.  After a long day apart the highlight of my afternoon is the smile on your face when you notice I'm there.

Thankful for Peace of Mind

So I ran through my back-up supply of pumped milk months ago and had been existing day to day and supplementing with formula as needed. Well I am thankful to be able to say I put 30oz in the freezer this morning and had enough in the fridge for today as well.
I had stockpiled my extra milk from the 6th on because I was going to a wedding this week and needed bottles for my sister-in-law while she watched him. Amazingly enough I didn't need to add any pumping sessions to make this milk. I just always had more milk then I needed for that day. This hasn't happened in awhile. Probably since a little after I returned to work.
So what is the difference between what I did before I returned to work, what I was doing when I returned to work and now? The time I spent with Little Man. Before returning to work I spent my entire day holding/nursing/watching him. I mostly sat at "mission control" with him eating, sleeping, playing on a boppy on my lap. I had all I needed for him plus enough to pump and store for my impending return to work. When I returned to work though the story changed I saw him awake for only 4 hours, he slept 8-9 hours in his crib so he didn't see me before I left for work and rarely woke in the middle of the night to nurse. My supply dwindled and I dipped into the stockpile until it too was gone. Leaving formula and what little milk I could pump.
For the past two months he was getting up 2-3 times a night and nursing. Great for him bad for Mama who needed sleep to teach during the day. So I finally got over my fears and started a modified cosleeping arrangement. He starts the night in the crib he gets up I bring him in with me, nurse and sleep until hubby comes home then he brings him back to crib. When he wakes again I bring him in and he stays until my alarm then he goes back to crib and I start my day. We've been doing this routine for a month and now I see a difference in my supply and the dark circles around my eyes (plus). So now I'm in the market for a cosleeper. My frugal and crafty side says I might be able to make my own. I am going to look at the bedroll one and see if I can get some supplies and sew it myself. My more practical (read overextended) side says just buy the thing. We'll see which one wins.

Spoke too soon

So I'm tired and happy. Little Man woke twice last night and wanted to snuggle and nurse with Mama. So for now at least I think I'll sleep peacefully if yet interrupted. Off to work after I pump again.

A little sad

So for the past two nights Little Man only nursed from one side and only got up once last night. I thought I would think this is great after three straight weeks of struggles to go to bed and then two to three wakings during the night but now I'm not sure.
Granted my supply has dipped so this extra opportunity to pump at night and somewhat fuller breasts in the morning has helped these two mornings but...I'm sad that I'm missing out on the nursing time. I didn't realize how important it was to me.
I never set a goal as to when I would end breastfeeding I just felt I would nurse as long as he wanted to unless there came a situation that I wasn't able to continue. But lately weening and extended breastfeeding have been on my mind. (Check out Breastfeeding Moms Unite) How does it all work. No one I know has done extended breastfeeding except one cousin in England but we aren't all that close and she was a stay at home mom.
I also now worry that one day he will self-ween and I won't be ready. I know he still values it because he bumped his head today and immediately reached for "milk-milk" and settled right down.
Still not sure which is better though: his needing it more and my lost sleep or his needing it less and my worried heart.

Getting back my sanity

So now that I've had my first full week of no field hockey after work I'm seeing improvements. My supply had dipped so low that I had run out of freezer back up milk and had to resort to supplementing with formula for three bottles a day. (I wasn't to heartbroken about this but it wasn't my first choice of nutrition for Little Man).
This morning I was able to leave the five bottles he needs plus an extra 5oz. Another plus of coming home earlier as I had mentioned in my last post of getting more nursing time has brought about another return to normalcy. He actually slept from 9:30-9am. He hadn't done that in quite some time and had been getting up three to four times a night to nurse. Even though I love nursing him it was getting a little desperate with the lack of sleep and my long days. So now that we have the extra two hours together I can relax a little more and worry about one less bottle a day. So really big extra points for having more time with him.

So nice (sigh of relief)

I'm finished with my season of field hockey and it is so nice to pick up Little Man 2 hours earlier then I have been. I get more nursing time and that means less bottles to worry about and more cuddle time.
It also great because it was getting pretty scary for me. I was having a lot of difficulty keeping up and I was having anxiety attacks in the middle of the night when he'd get up to eat. So now I can breathe a little easier and pump better and most importantly spend time with my Little Man.

Baby-brain strikes again

I'm in so much pain right now. I left my cones at home for my pump and I only have the ones my "precious" pugs chewed. I only can use one at a time b/c I have to use both hands to cover the holes and I don't have time to do a full expression of both sides. TGIF I need a break.
I also am losing my second pump session because I'm taking my team to sectionals today. Wish us luck and pray I don't leak everywhere.

A "__________" Life

My Little Man turned 8 months on Monday and has 7 teeth and we are still going strong. I've been having to get up twice a night with him and he is taking 40 minutes to go to bed but it's all quality time as far as my heart is concerned. My body and brain though wish he'd sleep better and longer.
That lack of sleep has cost me a bit of time and extra money. I forgot a load of diapers in the wash and they were stinky so I was going to wash them again. Well without thinking I dumped clorox2 into the load and ran it. Errr, brighteners and whiteners in my diaper load. Thankfully my cloth diapering mama partner came to the rescue and assured me it happens to the best of us and what and where to get to clean the diapers.
Little Man has been having major milestones and a lot of fun. He is on the verge of walking. Cruising, I guess has become monotonous and he is letting go more often which, as a result has been having quite a few bumps and bruises. He now says "Mama" and refers to his Daddy as "Baba" which, my poor husband isn't taking to very well. We try so hard to get him to use the "D" sound so it doesn't sound like my son thinks of his father only as a vehicle for expressed milk.
I have noticed a pattern in my supply. I start the week really well and am able to produce a fair amount of milk. As the week progresses though my supply dips and then I need the weekend to catch up and breastfeed and pump to get extra just to last through the week. Though I believe the pattern will be changing shortly as my field hockey season draws to a close and I can get Little Man from daycare earlier.
I also have made a step in a new direction that I was going to save until the Summer and that is to give private art lessons. I had an interested party contact me while I was in the process of thinking about and researching how to begin. Well someone was looking out for me and now I am taking on my first student. I figure this is a good way to test the waters and see how I like this. I plan to use the same time slot that I was using for field hockey practice once or twice a week so Little Man is at daycare and I don't have to worry about where he is going to be.
So about the title of this post. I wasn't sure how to put into just one word how my life is going at this moment. Work is still stressful, home is stressful, lonely at times, rewarding every moment and I don't think I would give up or change anything about my choices. So I leave it to you to fill in the blank.

I just wanted to let you know, it's okay

I'm right smack in the middle of a war at work at the moment. I'm being given tasks that are not in my job description and the resulting stress is affecting my supply significantly. To top that off Little Man is going through a growth spurt so he is downing bottles like it's going out of style while I'm at work. So in the interest of feeding and satisfying my little one I've had to supplement while I'm away.
As a parent who exclusively breastfed for 7 months this can be a hard pill to swallow. So many other ebfer's really let you know that formula is not a good substitute. And then formula mom's cry foul that they are being scolded etc etc. Well if you can't feed your little one the way you or nature intended you've got to go somewhere else.
When we had all our issues in his first few weeks and the pedi said to give him formula, I cried. At that point I was to emotional to think rationally about formula as being anything more then less then breastmilk. I feared it so much my Mom went and purchased a fairly expensive breast-pump and bottles so I could pump my milk to ensure he was getting the proper amount of food.
Now at 8 months later I've been able to stabilize myself emotionally and had a bit of an epiphany, things happen. I can't control everything and I can only hope for the best but I need to accept that there will be bumps in the road.
So as a mother I've got to prepare myself for the worst to protect my Little Man. So what it became more trouble then it was worth to fight with daycare about cloth and it isn't the end of the world that some days he may have to have one bottle of formula with the milk I pump for him. Things turn out for a reason and it doesn't make me a bad parent because he spends 4 hours in disposables and has less perfect food 10% of the time during the week. He has 100% of my love all the time to make up for it and my promise to him to try harder next time.

Spilled milk and my morning with Murphy

For the past two mornings I have pumped on my way to work. Yesterday it was out of necessity and today because yesterday went well I thought I'd try it again. Well today was not yesterday.
I have been having difficulty getting up in the morning and Little Man has been asking for a night feeding so I don't have the volume I would like when I get up. I actually emptied the freezer yesterday, which saddened me and made me a bit nervous.
So every little bit helps. But like I mentioned this morning did not go as planned. I think Murphy loves the art teacher and nursing mother, which makes me one big target for him. I pumped only about 2.5oz and made it to the parking lot no issues. No one saw and I made it on time despite having left 10 minutes behind schedule due to misplaced glasses.
I get out and think I'll just run in then take the horns off the bottles and cap them. So I placed them wedged in my diaper bag/purse and got out to get my other 3 must have bags. Open my back door and a bag falls out. Not thinking I bend over to get everything and splash milk all over my bag, its contents and myself.
When I get inside I see I lost an ounce and now all of my stuff is wet. But it's really ok when I think of it because I have 1.5oz more then I normally would and the stuff can be cleaned. What really showed me I'm over prepared for Murphy as a mom was that I use a lined diaper bag for a purse which was clean with 2 swipes of a paper towel. So now I'm ready for my next round with Murphy's Law.

Where Have I Been...?

If I only had time to really answer that question. Being a mom, wife, career woman and blogger just isn't as easy as it looks. Right now bedtime is not going as smoothly as it should. Which will probably cause me to lose my train of thought as I pause to get up to answer his calls. Right now what he wants is for me to rub his back while he stares at me to make sure I don't leave. Cute but not so great for my work obligations or pumping schedule.
I've been reflecting and I don't like being the night time parent. My husband works 3-Midnight and is with Little Man during the day while I'm at work. I pick Little Man up from daycare at 6 and start bedtime around 8 and he's usually out before 9. So really if I'm lucky I only get 5 hours of quality awake time with him a night. My thought now is I'm eating my words as it is 10 of 11 and he now just went to sleep and my arm is pretty much dead weight from the back rubbing.
So what strange and interesting highlights can I fill you in on? Well Little Man has a grand total of four teeth that came at the expense of some much needed sleep. He has had his first ear infection which led to amoxicillin, diarrhea and then a disappointed and prolonged complaint from daycare. That complaint about him leaking through his diapers was three days long. They asked us to put him in plastic pants, to which I said no because of latex. My hubby's solution was to "double wrap" him and put another diaper cover over the bumgeniuses. As you can guess that led to diaper rash and my putting my foot down and refusing to allow the ridiculous second cover any longer. This also meant that at night I broke down and used some disposables in order to really cover him in diaper cream. Another great thing the diarrhea led to was the most expensive probiotic I have ever purchased. My sitter got sick on a day she was supposed to watch Little Man because I had a game and wouldn't be home in time. Frantic search for alternate care and my sister-in-law swooped in to save the day. Oh yeah and because I've not had enough down time at work, I have forgotten to drink my mother's milk tea there or take my fenugreek or even drink an adequate amount of water.
But really I realize that when I try to do my best with an area of my life other areas get neglected and being the type of mother that I am it usually means everything other then my son is on the back burner. My pumping schedule at work has left me little time to get my grading and paperwork done during my free periods, the fact that I only see my husband and son on weekends has pushed my desire to complete that work then even further back. I scoff at the idea of housework. As long as there aren't things living or growing where they shouldn't be I really could care less that is unless it's my pump station and parts. As you probably can guess my writing took a back burner to sleep. All I can really say is at the moment I still have my sanity even thought it may not seem like it. I'm not throwing in the nursing towel yet, however I did have to actually set myself a goal for the first time.
Currently my goal is to make it to a year, before this I didn't have a goal because I never even thought stopping before he was ready was an option I wanted. I still don't like it but I don't know if I can make it the next month let alone nurse for an extended period of time. Which by the way I would love to nurse him into toddlerhood.
So in answer finally to the question at hand, I've been everywhere and stretchinapologizeg myself thin but wishing I was home with Little Man and hubby. I apologize for the incoherent and

Baby University: Little Man, My Teacher

Welcome to the September Carnival of Natural Parenting: We're all home schoolers


This post was written for inclusion in the monthly Carnival of Natural Parenting hosted by Hobo Mama and Code Name: Mama. This month our participants have shared how their children learn at home as a natural part of their day. Please read to the end to find a list of links to the other carnival participants.


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I'm a high school art teacher, I have been for 6 years.  I work in the public school system so the style of teaching and learning is mandated by the school district I work in.  They do allow for differentiation and creativity so that is fine by me, I can find a way to accommodate my students' learning styles while teaching the required material.  However, this was not my dream teaching scenario.  I fell in love with the Montessori approach when I was in college learning to be a teacher.  I had wanted to see this type of learning in practice because I had attended traditional public schools all my life and it was fascinating to me that you could allow a child to explore their environment at their own pace and through their own interests and that would choose to learn.  This is a novel idea to most teachers of required courses taught to teenagers.
So when I had my son I took an extended maternity leave of six months which, I have just returned to work from, I decided I would allow my child to direct what we did during the six months I had uninterrupted with him.  And so when he arrived I listened patiently to all the advice from the nurses, doctors and my relatives and then threw all that right out the door and waited for Little Man to tell me what to do.  It didn't take him long either.  Though in the beginning the only one learning was me.  I had to learn quickly what all those different cries meant.  The learning curve was a short one.  I think most of you would agree with me that it doesn't take a mother long to figure out what her new little companion desires.  Mine wanted food, diaper changes and sleep.
Soon he developed his own routine which mostly consisted of sleep, diaper change, breastfeeding, burping repeat, which I might add I because very accustomed to myself.  All the while I kept hearing about, sleep training, "eat, play, sleep", the ferber method, The Happiest Baby on the Block, I could go on but since I didn't care to check any of these things out I'll brush over them and move on.  All the while I'm not doing much of anything except catering to the whims of a tiny little person who is quite content in his own view of the world.  I felt bad for the moms that talked to me about this or that method and couldn't get their little one to sleep or eat "properly"  Are you thinking, what I'm thinking?  I felt guilty that my two month old slept through the night and only because he wanted to, I did absolutely nothing.  They would ask and I would tell them we don't have a routine, Little Man does what he wants, when he wants.
But the teacher in me was still asking, "Where's the learning?" The mother in me answered, "Patience, it's coming."  It did, holding up his head for short periods of time since he was born until he could do it for the entire time he was awake by one and half months.  Despite the fact that he HATED "tummy-time" and had a flat spot on his head to show for it he rolled from front to back at three months and then back to front a week later.  Army crawling came at four months, when he saw something he wanted he went for it.  He used his face as a fifth appendage but he made it to where he was going.  He passed objects from hand to hand around the same time as well.  He did all of this without any real coaching or teaching from me, just because he wanted to at that time.
So you may ask, "What is it that you have taught your baby?"  I actually found out what I taught him the first day I returned to work and he had to go to daycare.  When I arrived to pick up my baby, I thought I would hear from his teachers that he cried and was not comfortable at daycare.  That he might still be crying when I got there and I would scoop him up into my arms and rush to nurse him so that he would feel better.  What did I find?  My son playing with a truck on the floor with another baby, completely uninterested in being interrupted in that moment.  I was surprised and a little miffed but mostly I was relieved and proud, I taught him independence and self-confidence.  So, just how did I do this when I never set a routine nor followed a single baby guru book nor force my child to do the appropriate developmental exercise to achieve those milestones?  I breastfed him.  He felt secure in our bond that it is okay for us to be apart for an extended (11 hours) period of time during the day.  As I reflect back on the past six months with my boy I realize that there was so much learning going on despite my lack of teaching and that I was learning too.  It was nice not to be scheduled and given mandate teaching instructions for your day and how this skill was to be taught.

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Visit Hobo Mama and Code Name: Mama to find out how you can participate in the next Carnival of Natural Parenting!
Please take time to read the submissions by the other carnival participants:
(This list will be updated September 14 with all the carnival links.)

• A is for Apple {But right now it's more fun to pick apples!} — Kat at Loving {Almost} Every Moment has a four-year-old who wisely knows she must forgo the worksheets for now and do things with her mother if she's going to learn.
• Baby Talks — Amy at Anktangle talks, talks, talks all day long to her preverbal baby, about simple things and complexities. (@anktangle)
• Baby University: Little Man, My Teacher — The ArtsyMama shares how her relaxed and patient "teaching" at home resulted in a confident little one when she returned to work.
• Creating a Sensory Garden — A sensory garden has given Marita at Stuff With Thing and her girls practice in math, science, budgeting, fine motor skills, and more. (@leechbabe)
• Despite the Big Yellow Bus — Seonaid at The Practical Dilettante has surprised many friends by sending her kids off to mainstream schooling — but their learning doesn't stop there. (@seonaid_lee)
• Down on the Farm — Megan at Purple Dancing Dhalias describes the multitude of skills her children learn by homeschooling on a farm.
• Early Childhood Education — First Do No Harm — Laura at Laura's Blog provides an incredible list of tips to facilitate learning at home.
• Education Starts At Home — Luschka at Diary of a First Child was happy to realize that learning at home isn't limited to older children. (@lvano)
• Every Day Is A School Day — Summer at Finding Summer lists the ways her family learns in this poem of a post. (@summerminor)
• hands on — the grumbles at grumbles and grunts read her little one Sherlock Holmes in utero. She'll continue to make learning fun now that he's on this side of the womb. (@thegrumbles)
• Have a Happy Heart — Erica at ChildOrganics has days of poop on the couch and oatmeal down the pants when sending her children to school seems like the perfect solution — until she regains her perspective. (@childorganics)
• Home Sweet Home Schooling — Check out CurlyMonkey's Blog for a photo montage of how her kids are learning anatomy, architecture, and more — all at home. (@curlymonkey_)
• Homeschooling — My Needs? — Do you homeschool for the kids, or do you do it for you? Read some thoughts from Home Grown Families. (@momtosprouts)
• Homeschooling: A Way of Life — Kimberly at Homeschooling in Nova Scotia has children who meet learning with enthusiasm and are becoming self-sufficient at a young age. (@UsborneBooksCB)
• How We Homeschooled — Deb at Living Montessori Now details in retrospect how her two lifelong learners spent their homeschooling years. (@DebChitwood)
• Learning at Home With a Preschooler and Toddler — Need some inspiration? Michelle at The Parent Vortex shares her tips and resources for lifelong learning. (@TheParentVortex)
• Learning at Home: Are We All Homeschoolers? — Kristin at Intrepid Murmurings incorporates homeschool ideas even though she plans to send her kids to school. (@sunfrog)
• Learning From Life — Mamapoekie at Authentic Parenting doesn't even have to think about how her daughter learns. She just does it. (@mamapoekie)
• Learning Through Play — What better way to learn at home than through play? Dionna at Code Name: Mama lists the many ways children learn through play, whether they know it or not. (@CodeNameMama)
• Learning With Savoury Pikelets — Deb at Science@Home breaks down how cooking facilitates learning. (@ScienceMum)
• Lessons Learned by Bowling (Yes, Bowling) — What life lessons can you learn from bowling? Ask Jessica from This is Worthwhile. (@tisworthwhile)
• Life is learning, learning is life. — Kristin, guest posting at Janet Fraser — Where birth and feminism intersect, defends the truth that children are hardwired to learn. (@JoyousLearning)
• life learning... — Mandy at Living Peacefully with Children found that structured schooling is about teaching, whereas unschooling is about learning, and her family resonated with the latter.
• Live to Learn Together — RealMommy at True Confessions of a Real Mommy knows that children learn in all different styles, so only one-on-one attention can do the trick.
• Natural Parenting and the Working Mom — Jenny from Chronicles of a Nursing Mom shares how natural parenting in the Philippines — and learning at home — includes "yayas" (nannies). (@crazydigger)
• Not Back to School: How We Learn at Home — Denise at This Holistic Life has learned to describe what unschooling is, rather than what it isn't.
• Our Learning Curve — Andrea of Ella-Bean & Co. has a special bookshelf set up where her daughter can explore the world on her own terms.
• School at Our House — Where is learning happening at Kellie at Our Mindful Life's house? It is pouring all over the floor. It is digging down deep in the earth. It is everywhere!
• Schooling Three Little Piggies — Despite the mess and the chaos, Melissa at White Noise lets her children into the kitchen.
• SuperMom versus The Comic Books of Doom! — Mommy Soup at Cream of Mommy Soup realized that if "getting the kids to read" was the goal, it didn't matter what the kids read. (@mommysoup)
• The joy of learning at home — Heather at Life, Gluten Free has a daughter who sees magic in the stars and understands the honeybees. (@lifeglutenfree)
• those who can't teach — Do you need a superiority complex to homeschool? Stefanie at Very, Very Fine wonders.
• Too lazy to unschool? — If unschoolers aren't lazy, Lauren at Hobo Mama wonders if she's too lazy to live her dream of free-form education. (@Hobo_Mama)
• Unschooling the School of Me — Rachael at The Variegated Life considers what she's teaching her son about work as a work-at-home mother — and the extreme work ethic she doesn't want him to emulate. (@RachaelNevins)
• What We Do All Day — Alison at BluebirdMama discovered that it's easier than she thought it would be to quantify how her child learns all day. (@childbearing)
• Who taught that kid ‘exoskeleton’? — Nervous about how you will facilitate learning at home? Don't be - they will absorb things on their own! Joni Rae at Tales of a Kitchen Witch Momma shares her story. (@kitchenwitch)

Ugh I Hate This Right Now!

I only had two days of work last week and then a four day weekend which, I was neglectful of pumping and I am regretting that right now. I am having issues with the pump right now. My slacker boob is not getting perfect suction which has resulted in minimal, we're talking just barely covering the bottom of the bottle, milk. The other side isn't doing so hot either. I had a less then perfect showing this morning and last night as well. I left the house with five full bottles and one just squeaking by. I told hubby to dip into the backup. I feel like I could sit here all day and make nothing. When I get home I'll have some fenugreek with dinner and see if that helps any. Though last time I got a clogged duct and cried for two hours trying to work it out. Ugh I hate real life. Still not ready to give up. Maybe my next two pumps will be better.

First Day at Work

So the first day went pretty well.  I awoke at 5 am, pumped, heard my boy around 5:45 so I was able to sneak in a nursing before I had to get ready.  Jumped in the shower, heard Little Man again at 6:15 but decided that I needed to concentrate on getting what I needed to get done so poor hubby had to get up.  Finished everything I needed to get done and left the house at 7:10.  Discovered that the new bus schedule is going to force me to leave at 7 am to make the "20 minute trip" and arrive by 7:45.  Oh well I guess there goes the hair straightening.
I was welcomed back by my colleagues and former students throughout the day.  I was able to get two pumping sessions in during my prep periods, I skipped the pump session for my lunch because I was starving and I had some computer work to do.  I was also able to thankfully squeeze another session in before I had to run to practice after school.  I discussed work my office mates the possibility of me using our office to pump instead of going to the nurse's supply closet because I needed/wanted to multi-task.  It was agreed, so I'll be covering the windows to the office door so I can sit at a computer.  Bonus is I get service in our office which, I did not in the closet because of lack of windows.
So how did I feel about this?  I'm not going to lie it is a huge adjustment.  I really wish I could have stayed home with him forever.  I missed him every second of the day.  I texted hubby as often as possible to check on Little Man and then poor hubby texted me to get reassurances that he was okay at daycare.  When I picked him up from daycare he wasn't immediately hungry so I had to wait for relief.
The first nursing session home was just that relief.  I couldn't settle down to enjoy it the way I would normally because even though I pumped I felt like I was busting at the seams.  Plus I was still starving myself.  It wasn't until our third nursing session, our bedtime session, that I was able to enjoy the moment.  I felt so much more present  similar to how I felt when I first met him in the hospital when I couldn't take my eyes off him.  I soaked in every movement, smell, sound and feeling that he made during this session.  It was so relaxed that if I could have stayed in the rocker all night I would have.  But the time came that he indicated he was finished and wanted to go in his crib and I had to leave.
I came here to put into words the gift that was that nursing session after my first 11 hours away from my son, but as I look back it just pales in comparison.  It was times like that I wish I had a night vision lens on my iphone so I could record that and watch it while pumping in the sterile, brightly lit, lonely closet I pump in.

My Yogi Tea's Profound Though for the Day

I drink Yogi tea Nursing Mother Support pretty regularly.  It tastes good and I feel it helps with my supply. I have been drinking Yogi tea since I was pregnant and my OB told me I could no longer enjoy my regular tea or my favorite herbals because of the risks to my growing baby.  The tea has a little thought on the paper tab that are like little nuggets of good thoughts for your day or moment that you are enjoying the tea.
So what was my thought provoking tidbit for the day? "Happiness comes from overcoming the most impossible challenges."  What a perfect quote for a breastfeeding support tea.  Nursing is by no means an easy feat for most mothers and babies.
I myself have gone to the end of the world and back just to participate in this natural and loving gift for my son.  We had weight gain issues for the first two months of his life.  I struggled to stay awake and calm for the first week when he screamed non-stop during feedings.  I pumped exclusively and was a slave to that machine for two months of his life.  I started back at square one when at two months my supply dipped and I figured I'd better give this one last shot of natural nursing before I give up on the whole thing.  I did this all with painful bleeding nipples because I did not know that I didn't have a correct latch and on top of that really bad thrush.  But we as a team prevailed through and have developed a nursing relationship that I cherish every day when I get the privilege of watching him watch me while he eats the best stuff I can offer him.
So here I am again about to enter another trial by fire challenge for us with nursing as I reenter the workforce on Tuesday.  All week I've been at my wit's end because my little one has been waking during the night to feed and then again in the morning as Mama is trying to get out the door for preseason practice.  This has made pumping difficult to say the least.  I have a supply built up of at least 40 ounces so I have that to fall back on and If I can get 2-3 pumping sessions from the time he goes to bed to when I'm walking out the door and then the 3 possibly 4 pumps at work I should be fine.  Again I have to put things that are out of my control out of my head, if it's meant to be then it will be.
The other the thing that has me concerned is my hubby and his ability to handle his new responsibilities.  I got very upset last night over something as trivial as turning off the fan in Little Man's room when it was bedtime.  I was fuming because I had to stop nursing to get up turn the switch back on which blasted us with light and then pull the chain to turn off the light and keep the fan on.  I'm thinking, "doesn't he care about our baby?" "Haven't I explained up and down about the risk of SIDS and what we can do to prevent it?" "For two weeks now he has gotten up with the baby, didn't he see the fan is on and the humidifier?" "My husband sleeps with a fan, why wouldn't he have the baby sleep with a fan?"  Well of course my husband knows this stuff he just forgot.  Do I really need to freak out, probably not.  But it is just one more of those things I need to learn how to deal with so I can go to work and feel if not  confident, at the least at ease that they will be fine without me.  Which they will.  I'll make sure of it.

Just Because I'm Staring at the Screen

I want to pump but, I don't want to pump.  Do you know what I mean?  I won't be away from Little Man tomorrow because I'm taking him with me to my short practice and then we have the whole day together so I don't need to pump but, I should.  I know if I don't pump I will regret it later so I will even though I totally don't feel like it and I just want to crawl into bed or stay here and stare at the screen until hubby comes home.  But I will be kicking myself when I'm back at work struggling with the pump or freaking over my supply.  I have been dragging my freestyle pump back and forth to practice this week just in case I decided to pump on my way home (haven't yet, to weird to set up in the parking lot of a high school).  Today I thought I would have to stay late with the other coach to go through our equipment closet so I packed the bag but forgot the pump. (smack) The sound of my hand hitting my forehead for my egregious mistake and wondering how many times I might do this in the future when I really need it.  How embarrassing will that be standing in front of a classroom full of teenagers with leaky spots on my shirt!?  Oh well, I'll leave the weird going back to school nightmares for my actual dreams and get to pumping so I can sleep physically comfortable if not mentally comfortable.

The worst day and best day so far

So yesterday I had practice in the morning and I thought I was going to a movie at night but I ended up having to attend a meeting for the field hockey coaches in my section. So I rescheduled the sitter for the evening and left 2 bottles for hubby in the morning that I pumped the night before and morning of.
Little man slept in so hubby was just finishing the second bottle when I came home so I got another chance to pump (score!) Later while he napped I pumped a little more so I had enough for 2 bottles for the sitter which I felt she shouldn't need because my meeting won't take to long and I gave him a full feed before I left. Hah! 1 hour drive, 2 hour meeting, 1 hour drive home. But I got the chance to pump while I drove. Good experience even if I only had one side on properly.
Asked the sitter to stay for a bit so I could walk the pugs. Panda was good, Dory not so much. Back inside, pay sitter,ask her to call when she got home and finally had Mama and Little Man time. He went to bed easily probably because he was tired from all the playing so Mama went to bed too because she was tired and already had milk enough for the morning if she decided not to pump again tonight. Which I didn't.
I did however get two pump sessions in the morning so I had enough for 2 bottles and a little extra so I could save the two bottles from the day before and put them in my freezer downstairs. A little more weight off my shoulders for when I ho back to work.
Speaking if work my co-worker already emailed asking me to go in early. I don't think so, my time is to precious with my boy right now. So at least I'm learning not to put to many things on my plate and start adding side dishes as well. Right now mom, milk factory and coach is all I have room for as I readjust back into the workforce. Now if I can only verbalize this.

How my first mini day went

Today was the first day of preseason for my team so I needed to go in for 3 hours of try-outs.  I scheduled my time slot to match up with the time that I would have to leave for work when we return so I could use these two weeks as practice to get my routine in order.  I made it out of the house today but I wouldn't say anything was routine or in order either.
Yesterday I realized that my procrastination had left me in a bind because my plans to have help yesterday fell through so I was with Little Man on my own.  No real time for pumping.  When my husband did get home my emotions just boiled over.  I was ANGRY.  Not at my husband but because I was having to return to work.  I can't really decide what it is though, real anger or just plan old fear.  Fear of the unknown, fear of leaving my boy, fear I'll be unable to handle my workload, being a mom and my pumping schedule?  So what did I do?  Got more angry.
I yelled at my mom, threw the phone across the room, yelled at Ollie for playing with my pump tubes, filled out because my pug Dory stole the connection adaptor to my hands free straps.  Angry because when I try out my new pump there is no suction because I don't know how to use it and had only skimmed the directions. Upset because another feeding came around before I had a chance to pump so I had to stop again.  Finally fixed that pump and was only able to get 3oz which is less then I get normally with my old, beat up pump.  Finished that and set to complete bedtime on my own because it was the fantasy football draft, ugh!
I get the bath ready, undress my son and discover awful diaper rash which I am under the impression is from bananas because he pooped way more then usual yesterday and the only thing we different was have bananas.  Draft ends just in time for diapering and putting on PJs so hubby helps and then I get all settled for our nursing before bed.  We nurse and I have to put him down drowsy because he has two teeth and the pedi reminded me that I need to be wiping his teeth off with a washcloth or gauze before bed so he doesn't get cavities. Oh he is so unhappy because I put him down he cries out, finds his fingers, settles down and here comes Mama with the washcloth to remove his fingers and rub his poor little teeth.  He finally settles and I am so overwhelmed by how I am feeling about pumping, leaving, working and having to change how I put him to sleep that now I need to go lay in bed before I have a meltdown.
But I cannot sleep through the night because I have now told my hubby he isn't to touch my meager supply of 6 frozen bags downstairs so I need to pump at 3am.  I wake, meet hubby in the hallway on his way to bed and ask him ever so nicely to spend 15 minutes with me while I pump.  He does and poor guy falls asleep on the couch.  So I finish and usher him and myself off to bed with at least one 6oz bottle prepared for tomorrow for that last session and the 3 oz from before waiting just in case.
6am rolls around and I roll out of bed after 3 rounds of the snooze button.  I shower, dress, and pump 8oz this time so one more bottle and 2oz left over that can be combined in an emergency with the first 3 oz.  Off I go at 7am without seeing my boy because amazingly he isn't awake.
Oh well maybe tomorrow will be more organized and easier.  Here's hoping.

Life getting in the way, what's a nursing mom to do?

So yesterday I got a call from my assistant principal about a situation that needed my attention before we returned to school.  I was more then enthusiastic to assist in this matter as it was reaffirming my belief that no one can teach my class better then I can.  So he asked if I could get him the information by that evening. "Sure," I said, "I will send you the email right away." Fast forward 31 hours into the future and as I am dutifully practicing real food with my son and telling my hubby on the phone how I am unable to both go for the long walk with our son and two pugs and get this much needed developmental milestone dinner completed on the same days, when it hits me.  Oh crap I forgot about that email! Well nothing to do now except finish our routine and send an apologetic if not late email and explain why there was a delay.  I mean really he is a family man himself so I'm sure he will understand.  He is actually quite progressive and understanding of what it means to be a working mother.  The only thing is I am now questioning whether I understand what it means for me to be a working mother.
I am thinking about my situation a lot as the first day draws closer.  I know I'm probably sounding like one of "those people" you know the one's that say you couldn't possibly understand my situation because no one else is in my situation.  Well while they are dramatic sometimes they are right to think that way because they don't have anyone in their immediate circle of trust who is in their situation.  Same here.  So who are the groups that I can relate to in my one-of-a-kind nobody knows what I'm going through situation?
I am beginning to see a pattern here in my life.  I'm a married to a wonderful father and husband but I live the life of a single mother because of his work obligations.  I have wonderful friends but no common ground to share with them because they are either have no children or we communicate in a virtual world.  I am a stay at home mom at heart who is becoming a working mother.  There is nothing more important to me then family but have no family to share my son's day to day with.  I think this why breastfeeding is so important to me.  It has created a bond between myself and my son and has offered me new opportunities to share my experiences with others.
Watching him while nursing and having him watch me has been a surreal experience.  It was something I thought I was going to miss out on because of our rocky start and it's something I'm not willing to give up on when I return to work.  I love it how he gets so excited when we nurse that he rubs his feet together and tickles my side.  I even love when he screams when I switch sides because the breast is empty but he isn't ready to stop nursing.  Or how he just can't wait anymore and starts helping me by pulling my shirt or pinching my breast to make the milk come out faster.  How at night he closes his eyes and as I stroke his hair he strokes my skin.
It makes me feel so important when nothing else but Mama can calm him when he is upset or sick.  How I will occasionally lay down and nurse with him during his afternoon nap instead of putting him in the crib.  I mean why not?  I only get this one moment with him and then it changes and I can never have that back.  Or when he is with the sitter or an aunt and he misses me and cries until I walk through the door and the pitch of the crying changes over to say why did you leave me and then he talks to my breast for five minutes while nursing and then sighs and snuggles in because Mama is here and she has me in her arms.
So what is my point? I guess this is my rally before the battle.  I am going to fight for my son to continue nursing.  I am not giving up, he needs me and I need him.  For now this is how we communicate and show each other we love each other, I will protect him and he can count on me.  Because isn't nursing about more then just feeding your baby?  Isn't a calming and nurturing experience for the mother and child?  I know it has been for us and I am hoping to continue until we are ready to stop because it's right for us not because my other life got in the way.