So yesterday I got a call from my assistant principal about a situation that needed my attention before we returned to school. I was more then enthusiastic to assist in this matter as it was reaffirming my belief that no one can teach my class better then I can. So he asked if I could get him the information by that evening. "Sure," I said, "I will send you the email right away." Fast forward 31 hours into the future and as I am dutifully practicing real food with my son and telling my hubby on the phone how I am unable to both go for the long walk with our son and two pugs and get this much needed developmental milestone dinner completed on the same days, when it hits me. Oh crap I forgot about that email! Well nothing to do now except finish our routine and send an apologetic if not late email and explain why there was a delay. I mean really he is a family man himself so I'm sure he will understand. He is actually quite progressive and understanding of what it means to be a working mother. The only thing is I am now questioning whether I understand what it means for me to be a working mother.
I am thinking about my situation a lot as the first day draws closer. I know I'm probably sounding like one of "those people" you know the one's that say you couldn't possibly understand my situation because no one else is in my situation. Well while they are dramatic sometimes they are right to think that way because they don't have anyone in their immediate circle of trust who is in their situation. Same here. So who are the groups that I can relate to in my one-of-a-kind nobody knows what I'm going through situation?
I am beginning to see a pattern here in my life. I'm a married to a wonderful father and husband but I live the life of a single mother because of his work obligations. I have wonderful friends but no common ground to share with them because they are either have no children or we communicate in a virtual world. I am a stay at home mom at heart who is becoming a working mother. There is nothing more important to me then family but have no family to share my son's day to day with. I think this why breastfeeding is so important to me. It has created a bond between myself and my son and has offered me new opportunities to share my experiences with others.
Watching him while nursing and having him watch me has been a surreal experience. It was something I thought I was going to miss out on because of our rocky start and it's something I'm not willing to give up on when I return to work. I love it how he gets so excited when we nurse that he rubs his feet together and tickles my side. I even love when he screams when I switch sides because the breast is empty but he isn't ready to stop nursing. Or how he just can't wait anymore and starts helping me by pulling my shirt or pinching my breast to make the milk come out faster. How at night he closes his eyes and as I stroke his hair he strokes my skin.
It makes me feel so important when nothing else but Mama can calm him when he is upset or sick. How I will occasionally lay down and nurse with him during his afternoon nap instead of putting him in the crib. I mean why not? I only get this one moment with him and then it changes and I can never have that back. Or when he is with the sitter or an aunt and he misses me and cries until I walk through the door and the pitch of the crying changes over to say why did you leave me and then he talks to my breast for five minutes while nursing and then sighs and snuggles in because Mama is here and she has me in her arms.
So what is my point? I guess this is my rally before the battle. I am going to fight for my son to continue nursing. I am not giving up, he needs me and I need him. For now this is how we communicate and show each other we love each other, I will protect him and he can count on me. Because isn't nursing about more then just feeding your baby? Isn't a calming and nurturing experience for the mother and child? I know it has been for us and I am hoping to continue until we are ready to stop because it's right for us not because my other life got in the way.
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